If the world's at large, why should I remain?

For the past couple months, we've been in a state of disarray. We've had what we've coined a "heart crisis." Let's step back a minute. Rewind. Start at the beginning. For the past six or so month's we've been ready to transplant our homebase to new city. Coming into adulthood, we came to realize that we're not all that fond of Phoenix. Most of what we love about it are merely memories and nostalgia. What we'd miss is a time when the places might had been the same, but our perspectives were different. We'd miss the people most, but always remind ourselves that people, unlike places, are impermanent, not fixed. We never planned to stay, but other plans and indecision has held us back from acting up on our desire.

I'm not quite sure what lit a fire under us, probably a slue of things, but one day we asked ourselves "what are we really waiting for?" We couldn't give ourselves a legitimate answer so we arrived at our next question, "where?" Naturally, our minds fell to Northern San Diego County. It stuck for awhile, but we made no haste. For me, and I think the rest of the family feels the same, this place is "it" for us. It doesn't get much better. This is where my mind goes when I daydream and where a huge piece of my heart lies. It is exactly where I want to end up and cash in my days. Am I... are WE really ready to "end up" somewhere? I'm not satisfied with permanence. The idea of tying myself down anywhere with no plans to loosen the teathers eats at my soul. That drifter thing, remember? If we were a tad more gutsy I think we'd be a family who's home is the road, school the kids based on travels and the land. Fortunately (or unfortunately, you be the judge) other dreams keep us grounded.

So... where else? We've toyed with the idea of Oregon for awhile. Before Brian and I's paths crossed, my plan was always Oregon. The idea of mountains and lush forests colliding with the beauty of the Pacific had me hooked. Its starkly different climate seemed perfect for me, a person who feels like a fish out of water in the desert. Oregon, or being anywhere else but Phoenix, was booted out of my mind for quite sometime. It wasn't me who resurfaced the idea. For an entire Winter, Brian fell in love with the idea of the place- researching, reading, letting his eyes glaze over while scrolling through pictures- just as I once had. Eventually, it roused the feelings in me too. So here we were, in love with our perception of this far off, mysterious land called Oregon that neither of us had ever stepped foot in. We couldn't very well move to a place we'd only dreamt of, so it prompted a road trip. Our trip turned our state of being in love with an idea into a state of truly being in love with a city. Upon our departure, we knew that it was where we needed to be. It just made sense. One word rings through my mind when I ponder my perception of Portland: conscious. Of themselves, of others, of the planet, and everything in between.

After the immediate Portland effect wore off, I wasn't quite ready to make a decision. Brian held steady. He's a bit more "go for it" than I am. I knew that in order to know it was the right move to play, we'd need to go back to Oceanside. While in Oceanside, I struggled. I was jutted straight into that "heart crisis" I spoke of. Why would I ever want to be anywhere else? Starring out at the line between sky and sea is when I feel infinite. Then there were the kids. They were so filled with joy. I had never seen them so serene than as when they were playing along the tide. That was it. The waves of Southern California sucked me up and were not going to spit me out. Even the thought of attempting to move to another city felt like infidelity. My heart ached as we left. It's always like saying goodbye to an old friend.

Of course, this fever too broke as we returned to Phoenix. We were snapped back into reality and left with a love triangle. Portland still made more sense, but it's Oceanside that has always won us over. I'm the type of person that looks for signs. I don't necessarily ponder who sent them, if anyone at all, and will look for them internally just as much as I will externally. When my heart is garbled by emotion and I can't pull my head out of the confusion, I start searching. A couple days after our trip to Oceanside, we were hit by a random downfall. If you're familiar with Phoenix, those words generally don't mix. If rain's coming, I'm anticipating it for days before it arrives. As soon as Brian was home from work and Emerson had warmed up to the lightning and thunder, we went outside, went for a drive, and soaked the raindrops deep into our souls. The kids were ecstatic. Serene. Just like on the beach. While Oceanside get's it's share of rain, rain and Portland go hand in hand. Portland is where my mind jumped.

When I was young, my mom saw a rainbow while we were visiting Phoenix that made her feel confident that Phoenix was the place we needed to be. I guess this rainstorm was my rainbow (which makes all too much sense, by the way) telling us to go for it. The storm calmed me and let me organize my thoughts. We're not ready to "end up," we want fresh adventures for ourselves and for our children. Portland seems like a mighty fine pitstop in our journey to our "end up" home. So, as of now, and subject to change if the ebb and flow of life sees it fit, we are laying down our stepping stones, fighting our battles confidently, so that next year we will become Portlanders. For a little while at least.


source.